Our Weirdest Fictional Crushes
Tomorrow is February 14, internationally recognized as a day to celebrate Whitman samplers, engagement rings in champagne glasses, and the weirdest fictional crushes you’re willing to admit to. We’ll go first:
My weirdest YA crush—if by “weirdest” you mean “most disturbingly all-consuming”—is Walter Blythe, Anne Shirley’s son, who appears in the last three Anne of Green Gables books. He was a pale young poet who went off to fight in WWI and—spoiler alert—DIED THERE. My young heart could barely take it and I tried desperately to convince myself he was real and alive. Walter would literally lay around in moss-covered glades and read handwritten poetry to his sisters, you guys. Some people called him a “milksop,” but I never did.
–Tori Telfer
Since Shaun beats me to it below, I won’t talk (much) about how Peter Pan is the original “boy who acts indifferent till you’re almost ready to give up, then at the last minute gives you just enough attention to hook you again,” which is a boy breed that should be kept in isolation for the good of the female population. Instead, I’ll talk about Neverland’s other most eligible bachelor, the sensitive, mournful, blue-eyed Captain Hook. The man’s mysterious origins, taste for the finer things, and alluring respect for the good work of mothers are just the beginning. Hook is ferocious yet melancholy, a man in a world of boys (but, like, not in a creepy way), and he’s literally asking for the love of a good woman to redeem him. Yes, yes, it’s unhealthy in a nonfictional world, but did I mention his cornflower-blue eyes?
–Melissa Albert
This is about the saddest thing I will ever admit publicly, but as a devotee of the Sweet Valley High series, I had a huge crush on A.J. Morgan, the redheaded new guy who stole Jessica’s heart somewhere between books 48 and 49. He scored twenty-eight points in a single basketball game, which was really good! And I’d never seen a character who was an “army brat” before, so of course I thought that was the coolest thing. And he was so adorably shy… Okay, I might still have a crush on A.J. Morgan.
–Dahlia Adler
I had it bad for a total fox when I was younger. No, I mean a literal fox. Disney’s Robin Hood, with its droves of folksy animals, was—and is, to be honest—in my top 5 favorite movies. At the center of the story is everybody’s favorite outlaw, and he just so happens to be the dreamiest mammal in Sherwood Forest. And to be clear, I didn’t just go googly-eyed for him on the screen; in its quest to take over the world, Disney put out storybooks of its classic films, and with every turn of the page I fell deeper in love with this member of the Canidae family. It just goes to show that nothing is more attractive than vigilante populism. Oo-de-lally.
–Nicole Hill
You can probably draw some weird Oedipal (or Electra) conclusions from this, but I remember crushing on “Daddy Long Legs” (spoiler alert: aka, Master Jervie) from the book of the same name when I read it in middle school. I found the whole letter-writing thing very romantic. Of course, if I read it now I’d probably have all sorts of feminist problems with an anonymous, rich father figure/patron turned romantic interest out to “save” an orphan girl. Coincidence that Jervie rhymes with pervy?
–Kathryn Williams
When I was younger (like 12, so this was TOTALLY NOT WEIRD OR CREEPY), I had the biggest crush on Peter Pan. It might have been because the live-action movie came out around this time, and preteen Shaun thought the actor playing Peter was, like, a total hottie, but I digress. I was obsessed with the book, and all I wanted was to fly off to Neverland with Peter and the gang. But not Wendy, I didn’t need that kind of competition.
–Shaun Byron Fitzpatrick
What’s your weirdest fictional crush?