Princesses Don't Parp

The Princess is getting ready for her ball at the palace of Par Ping. She's starting to feel nervous. What happens if she pumps or parps or does bum-blasts or toots, bottom-burps, whizpops or poots? That shouldn't be a problem though, as everyone knows princesses don't pump... 
A new laugh-out-loud new text from Peter Bently, author of Meet the Parents and Dustbin Dad.